If I want to describe my life with one word, I would say that it is all about competition. 24 hours, 7 days, 12 month and to some extend 6 year is fully surround with this kind of 'mutual' relationship.
You have to compete from a single little thing to very very large matter. You compete for a bathroom early in the morning, then you have to compete for a hot morning tea or coffee, just when you think you can relax, you have to compete for a taxi or bus or mashrut to class. Then you go to the class and you compete for a good impresion from your lecturer and hoping for a good mark in that class. After that, practical come and you want to compete to get a decent work from the nurse, everybody want to do the injection, no one want the work of delivering patient's card, nobody want to go to autoclave or sterilize room.Why is that?
If I'm allowed to scream out my feeling, I would like to yell "Why everything have to come with competition?!!"
Competition is good. People say they can get you to become a better person, a better man and of course in my context a better doctor but seriuosly I fell really uncomfortable with every day and every time of adrenalin rush. I can't breath and I feel so sick of it. The reality is all people don't have manners when they compete, they don't care if they take it from other people, they don't care who come first, who got it first and they don't even care that other people is hurt or angry with what they are doing.
But I think it is not because of the competition that made people that way. If I had a guees, I would try it on capitalism. Capitalism make people being so selfish, so individualistic that they do anything to get their means. Everybody want to be the best, to have the greatest popularity, to get the largest pile of money. Everything come with the 'est'. It is just everyone try to be at the top and alone.
You can say that I'm being too philosphical but I think a doctor must know how to treat and care. We must know how to care them and how to take care each other. Stop being someone that want everything for yourself. If you can't sacrifice a bit of yourself for the others then why bother jumping into this field and make other people feel misery.
These people see hole in other's person and take advantages from it. I hate this kind of people.
I wish I can walk with a sign at my forehead saying 'HANDLE WITH CARE'.Maybe it is my fault for being too weak but even after being hurt a lot, I can't even lift a hand to do the same thing. I dont know why. I wish I can but there's a lot that avoid me from doing it.
At the end, we have to figure out how to take care for ourselves.Well, I just want to do a good thing, to save other people lives, To become a good doctor. Am I asking to much during this time?
Then just when you feel so tired, you just say a prayer and close your eyes. Sometimes I think it is better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there's maybe fear but still there's also hope.
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